Be yourself and don’t let other force you to keep them happy. It’s you’re choice, not theirs for being who you want to be. Though it’ll sadden those along the way, it’ll become even more sad for those who don’t know who you no longer are. Don’t deny the ways you’ve followed, and become someone better that won’t hide behind the “perfectionist” mask you seem to uphold over your facial expressions and personality.
As said before in my last post still stands, though I am trying to fill up my schedule to clog the hole of being lonely. I realize that the time I get home there is no one to talk to who wants to talk or it’s someone I don’t want to talk to…
I’ve recently gone through so much things and touched upon the past, deleting it and wishing maybe it might’ve been better if it was erashed because it’s not working to forget and not say anything. It’s easy to do, but because I see him wherever I go and in things I do. I go into the same room that we met in every day and I try to not dwell on such unhappy things. I wonder what will happen once he sees me again…I feel like i’ve been going through what happened with my first boyfriend and our long distance. I would ride my bike as fast as I could to just see him. I would try my hardest and the thrill made me happy doing it. I never want something I love gone so I try my hardest to make it work, but apparently ends in failure as usual. (Apparently i’m sad, but I don’t feel it in my heart and only in my head and eyes.) I think the non-talking has made me sad, because it feels as though he doesn’t umm….nevermind….
I think I should be a lone wolf like before….who knows what’ll happen….but we’re going to bed again crying for the second time over such a thing. It came out of nowhere and shocked me. The past times we had…god…
I can’t write anymore, I’m just going to go to bed….
Goodnight world….
I guess it hasn’t wanted to sink in fully to my heart yet of the event currently. I’m wondering something though of what happened after. I cried but my chest recently feels as though it went numb and I feel nothing. I know when to show emotion, thus the only one at the moment is laughter and happiness. I don’t want anyone anymore to know what’s behind the door I have….that white room I spoke of only to one person. I shared it with someone special, because I thought something was going to happen, but it has not and it scares me that it’s no longer my monster and I’s secret. I’m letting that white room become black again, but this time it feels so, so surreal because I can’t feel that stinging and sickening feeling in my chest for now. It’s rising though and it’s displeasing to me. In a way I wish I had argued a bit, because I wanted to stay with him but my luck isn’t always that great (especially recently). I wonder what the future will hold as it’s hard to come by those kinds of people who want to listen. And as of now I hold secrets within myself again and my mask is coming up. I don’t know what will happen when my friend comes back after 3 years of Marine training and still wants to try and get back with me. Will something happen? is more of the question in my mind. I doubt anything will after what he said before he left.
Such silly things I ponder upon. Though I don’t think my current ex is wanting to talk to me, since of course he wants to sink it all in. But as I question again, is that what it really is? I just wonder what strength in wanting to keep the love has gone. I chose not to have a break because I wanted to try and make it work…not damage it. I surely must be selfish to ask of minor things that are too great of work to do. I think soley of myself, but that is quite alright. I do think of another though, which keeps me company all the time but can be quite lonesome at many times because I can never touch them when they’re so very close to me on my journey through life. It may be a monster, but it’s my monster and it knows who I am the most. It sounds crazy but sadly is true.
I shall conclude my writings for today as I have to tend to things.
-Bye
I’m kind of upset at the moment, but it’s whatever i’m guessing…I put some things up to not remind me of the past or what’s going on now. I deleted things that remind me of it too…when the time comes i’ll put it back into the memory and on my shelves. By deleting it, I don’t have to send so many things, i’ll be sent one when he feels like he wants to talk to me…I’m just needing time to think and gather everything that happens. I wanted to start things over when he got back here in FL, our relationship, because it got bad ever since college…but I guess my mask will have to go up now to keep what needs to be kept, behind closed doors.
That’s it for now…
Thought of the time where I remembered my name. So that’s what it means I thought to myself. I quietly remember the differences i’ve had from the world and wondered why I seemed to be quite so very different than all the rest. I saw myself inside a fisheye view and saw no one was there, when I looked down in fact people were.
“Sometimes I wonder what it would be like for everything inside me that’s denied and unknown to be revealed… but I’ll never know. I live my life in hiding - my survival depends on it.” — Michael C. Hall as Dexter Morgan
“Sweet Ecstacy in the Bedroom”
Running through the hall laughing with the false smiles,
They run the two do,
Into the bedroom giggling and starting to touch,
Starting to kiss things go onto the bed the sound is turned up,
On top the boy is and bringing the girls legs up around his hips,
A condom he tears and puts on,
Fucking her he does only to stop every so,
Turning her over fucking her again in different positions,
Licking that pussy of hers only to make her feel better,
The moaning she wants to let out,
The sensation feels good with the heat of their bodies against one another,
Feeling his chest the girl does,
Feeling his whole body the girl does,
Aroused she wants more which only to receive such things,
The astounding joy she receive tasting that sweet consumption,
In ecstacy she lies on the bed waiting for another round.
“Masquerade, Masquerade”
What is this?,
Who are you?,
Every face I see I don’t know who’s who,
Looking around I was alone,
As soon as I began to dance I was still alone,
As I began to dance I saw their faces,
The group of masks with half masked faces,
I wondered how can someone only have half a mask?,
I danced toward the group,
They invited me in like I was one of them,
Later and later I began to dance,
Dancing that meant something to me,
Masquerade,Masquerade,
Finding these half masked faces,
Seeing themselves and seeing their masked side,
I loved this so much,
So much I changed my mask,
A mask that was swirled,
A mask that was half but could be seen by them,
Masquerade,Masquerade,
Dancing with the cared masked ones,
Seeing these things they never ended,
Masquerade,Masquerade,
Once they fell,
I feel too,
Once they cared,
I cared too,
Masquerade,Masquerade
Today I found myself,
Masquerade,Masquerade,
Tears came falling down as I saw them smile at me for me.
“Eye of the World”
This is the world I see,
In the darkness of this eye,
This eye can see all,
Your emotions,
This eye may do many things I do not know of,
It may put a mask on for me,
It may change who I am,
This world I see,
This eye can see them,
Those who hide under those masks,
This eye can see right through all your masks,
This eye can see for a reason,
For it has been like this before,
Try not to hide what cannot be seen,
That is why this eye helps,
Helps me to see the world in detail,
To see the world for what it truly is,
As the patch comes off,
I see it all,
I see all these faces under these ugly masks,
This is what it is used for,
This is my eye of the world.
“Roses”
They’re beautiful in bloom,
They’re beautiful when they wither,
They come in different colors,
All so amazing to see together,
Each petal falling down when put into a vase,
The more there are the more wondrous they are,
In the moonlight they’re extrordinary with light and shading,
In a vase they do not look at beautiful as they do in a field of bushes of them,
They are amazing to see in when they bloom fully,
No matter if the thorns are on or not they still are beautiful,
Endless things could be made of and from them,
They are beautiful no matter what kind or form they’re in,
They are called roses.
