I guess it hasn’t wanted to sink in fully to my heart yet of the event currently. I’m wondering something though of what happened after. I cried but my chest recently feels as though it went numb and I feel nothing. I know when to show emotion, thus the only one at the moment is laughter and happiness. I don’t want anyone anymore to know what’s behind the door I have….that white room I spoke of only to one person. I shared it with someone special, because I thought something was going to happen, but it has not and it scares me that it’s no longer my monster and I’s secret. I’m letting that white room become black again, but this time it feels so, so surreal because I can’t feel that stinging and sickening feeling in my chest for now. It’s rising though and it’s displeasing to me. In a way I wish I had argued a bit, because I wanted to stay with him but my luck isn’t always that great (especially recently). I wonder what the future will hold as it’s hard to come by those kinds of people who want to listen. And as of now I hold secrets within myself again and my mask is coming up. I don’t know what will happen when my friend comes back after 3 years of Marine training and still wants to try and get back with me. Will something happen? is more of the question in my mind. I doubt anything will after what he said before he left.

Such silly things I ponder upon. Though I don’t think my current ex is wanting to talk to me, since of course he wants to sink it all in. But as I question again, is that what it really is? I just wonder what strength in wanting to keep the love has gone. I chose not to have a break because I wanted to try and make it work…not damage it. I surely must be selfish to ask of minor things that are too great of work to do. I think soley of myself, but that is quite alright. I do think of another though, which keeps me company all the time but can be quite lonesome at many times because I can never touch them when they’re so very close to me on my journey through life. It may be a monster, but it’s my monster and it knows who I am the most. It sounds crazy but sadly is true.

I shall conclude my writings for today as I have to tend to things.

-Bye